The (fill in the blank) thing about being busy-less

edited a bit


Recently it seems from every direction I'm on the receiving end of messages  encouraging me to slow down...take time to rest ... to think ....  to evaluate .... to talk (really talk) to my family and to other people ...  to pray ....  to count blessings (which, I am actually doing -- in a journal), etc.  Anyhow: 


The "funny" thing is - I am at a point where I'm not all that busy, so these messages serve more as affirmation than conviction for me.  Don't get me wrong. There's plenty to do at my end. Always the perpetual laundry pile, household chores and errands, dinners to prepare.... There's no shortage of things to do -  and I'm not at a point where I can just do whatever I want to do at any given time. I'm by no means bored. A bit lonely in all honesty, but not bored. And - on the flip side,  there is also no long list of things that must be done now or in the near future. Pretty much everything on my to do list is of no real urgency (well - other than my taxi driver job. I work for two girls who are - well - quite busy :)  If I don't do it today -  well - maybe I'll do it tomorrow ... and if tomorrow never comes...well then I'll be glad I didn't spend today doing laundry ;) 


The neat thing is -  I love this place!  This place of freedom and flexibility. This place where if there's an immediate need to fill, I can feel free to say "pick me!" - because preparing a dinner for another family in need or changing my plans to help someone out in a pinch, is not likely to put me over the edge. Or if a friend calls and wants to get together - just to talk - I can just stop whatever I'm doing - and be there.  Perhaps never more than now have I enjoyed such freedom to even try to be sensitive and attentive to what God wants me to be doing now (key word here) and I think that has something to do with the fact that I'm not continually preparing for something I've committed to do on a regular basis and/or in the future.  I mean really ... now is all we really have to work with - right? 


The sad thing is  -  that by no stretch is my phone ringing off the hook for things of the friends calling just to get together nature - because pretty much everyone I know is SO busy! And so building meaningful relationships is still challenging.


The other sad thing is that just because I'm not so busy, doesn't mean that my family isn't.  My husband is really busy ... so I don't have to be :(   I wish he didn't have to work so much toward that end.  And, truth be told, my kids are probably too busy too. Even with minimal commitments, school is huge! And when you add in homework it's - well - too much , if you ask me. Not so much for Playmaker  right now- but moreso for Strike.  Spokes is on the verge of being offered a full time position where he is interning - and, truth be told, he is about as free as one can possibly be right now - and already I can see him trying to figure out how to maintain some semblance of  balance in this area...work so easily can take over one's life. He's determined not to let that happen, but it likely won't be easy. 


The odd thing is that even when I am "busy" (relatively speaking) I still find myself trying not to ever be too busy in the sense that my children don't want to interrupt or "bother" me. I guess the odd thing is that even tho' I'm not so busy, I still have to try not to be too busy for those I love most and for those I should love more. 


The frustrating thing is - that I still find myself feeling guilty. When I was too busy, I felt guilty for doing too much - and now that I'm not so busy, I sometimes feel guilty for not doing more.  And I tend to feel this way as it relates to church in general. Not just about Sundays but definitely about Sundays.   The one day of the week I try so hard to carve out as a day of rest and worship for our family often seems sabotaged by so many other "forces at work" and, truth be told, church is often among them. Right - or wrong? - I don't know for sure. I'm wrestling here.  


The scary thing is - that I'm kind of afraid to put this out there. In order to "get here" I've progressively rid myself of and/or avoided various commitments that I could so easily fill my calendar and busy myself with  -  and if someone finds out I'm not as busy as they are, well - they'll probably want to do something about that.